Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Run, Naughty Little Girl!

Before going on with my feelings about my brother and sisters, I should tell you some important facts about me. I was in the second grade when my parents took me to the doctor and was told to take me out of school for a year or they would be dealing with a child with Saint Vidus Dance. That is a type of nervous disorder. I did not have it, but they were told I was on the verge of getting it. This is important for you to know as I am going to tell you about a more serious disorder I had later in life that nobody paid much mind to and I did not seek help for myself either. All my life I had been told I was a "naughty little girl." I was told that so often by every member of my family that I finally believed it myself. To this day as an eighty six year old woman I still feel I may be a naughty little girl and it is so very hard for me to accept gifts or compliments because I do not think I deserve them. I was a grown woman with children of my own and my mother and older sister were still calling me that everytime I did not conform to their wishes. It was not just my parents who instructed me to do things, I had four siblings that were my bosses also. In my adult life when I told my doctor I almost had Saint Vidus Dance and that I did not understand why as they all spoiled me, he became very angry. He said, "They did not spoil you, they used you! You were a toy they took turns playing with. You became so distraught as to whom you should obey that confusion lead to anxiety." I have no idea if he was right or wrong, but I do know it was a relief to hear I was not as bad as I thought I had been. The problem I was referring to earlier was just as shameful to me as it could be and I had no control over it either. When I became too stressed out, usually from a verbal altercation with one of them, I would drop whatever was in my hands and start screaming and running through the house, picking up whatever I could find, throwing it across the room and just running and running until some one grabbed me and hit me. I would then start crying. I would lay down wherever I was and cry until there was no more cry in me. After that I would be fine except for feeling spent. I lost a lot of breakable things doing that, but it was almost like someone wound me up and turned me on and I could not stop. I did not ever feel it coming on either. It just hit me like a ball bat. The last time that I remember having a spell was when I was talking to my mom on the phone and she called me to ask me what I had done to my sister. Never asked my side of the story just said, "Your sister is upset and you are a naughty little girl." I dropped the phone to the floor and started my run. My youngest son was home and had been told if he ever witnessed this he was to hit me. Well I did not have much running room in that house but I took in all the rooms, with him running after me, and then jumped on the bed and was screaming and jumping on the bed. The poor kid jumped on the bed with me and wham! Hit me in the face. I fell down on the bed and he grabbed me crying ,"I am sorry mom, Aunt ---- told me to do it. Well aunt---- had never told him where to hit me as she usually swatted me anywhere but the face. I forgave him though as he did not know and was so remorseful, I felt sorry for him. I tell him today that we must have made quite a picture the two of us jumping up and dpwn on the bed. After I spent a year in therapy, I never had another spell . I went to therapy for another reason, but I also unloaded my family problems and learned so much. I found because you are related to someone does not mean you HAVE to love them. You can't choose your relatives and they have to earn your love. My sis always said, "Since you went to that therapy class you have never been the same." Oh my gosh, How lucky was that? I now had control of my own life! Next blog, before my siblings, I want you to meet my husband who really saved my life and set me free.

No comments:

Post a Comment