Do You See What I See?

Well, I have criticized, praised, cried, and laughed through all my writings of my four siblings, and three half sisters. It is now time to take a look at me through my own eyes. Some will be surprised at how I perceive myself and find it hard to believe because of how they see me, but this is the honest to goodness truth of a look into myself. To everyone I come in contact with, I come across as a confident, strong, outgoing, fun loving person. That is good as I have them all fooled. In actuality I am not confident at all and most often feel inferior to people I meet. I am shy about going places by myself. I find it hard to walk into a room without someone by my side. I say,"I am sorry" a lot because I feel responsible for whatever is happening at the time.I often say that I am sorry whether it is my fault or not. In grocery and department stores or just walking down the street, I am the one who moves aside for the other person or if we bump into each other I say, "I am sorry.' It is rare to have someone say that to me. I make friends easily because I want people to like me. I am so afraid I won't be liked. Despite all this inward feeling I do not back down to someone who is not being nice to me. I am not afraid to speak up and if I have something to say, I usually say it. I have a friend who tells me I can say what is on my mind, but that I do it very tactfully. I am true to the water sign Aquarius and get my feelings hurt very easily. I will cry at the drop of a hat if I feel picked on. I say O.K. to some things I do not want to do just so that the person asking won't dislike me. I am getting better though. One of my bad faults is trying to change the world. I think I can make everyone see that what I think is the correct way of thinking. It upsets me if I can't change a mind. People's bad habits and manners upset me. My dad was a stickler for good manners so I guess his teachings have stuck with me. My worst fault is I am a scardy cat. I hate being alone. I imagine all sorts of things when I am. It may have come from that "boogey man" experience, I do not know. Can we blame everything on the past? My good points are that I have many talents. When in school I was in many plays, and I entertained at many school rallies, (always writing my own scripts) and I was on our local radio station in a program called "Us Kids Of Seventeen." On the radio station I wrote my own scripts also. Always humorous. I guess I was a stand up comedian. HA! If you find this strange that I did this when I said I am shy and inward, I can explain by telling you it is a lot different being in front of a whole crowd of people than meeting with them one on one. Strange, but true. I entertained at local lodges, which was harder because of the smaller group of people and I usually performed directly in front of them rather than on a stage. That made me very nervous, but I did enjoy entertaining them. I was in the girls drum and bugle corps which marched in a few parades. I belonged to the "Saddle Club" and rode horses in parades while belonging to that also. Never at the same time though if you were wondering about that. I belonged to the saddle club first. I also write poetry and have many hobbies. I can cut something out of wood, paint it, and create a wall hanging, yard work, or a functional piece. I paint ceramics, and sometimes sew something if it is simple. I did punch embroidery for years, creating pictures on clothing. I can repair a lot of things in chalk ware and sometimes ceramics. I love to create. I am very fortunate to have a lot of friends who really like me. In school I had many girlfriends. One girl was my best friend, but I was really close to all of them. I still keep in contact with some to this day! My nieces and nephews all love me and keep in contact with me all the time. Even those out of state. However my two grandchildren do not like me. I don't really know why not except their mom (who is long divorced from my son) has bad mouthed me to them so much I think they believe it. I have been nothing but nice to her, but she does not like her own mother either so I do not worry any more about that. I asked my granddaughter if we could not start over from whatever was wrong and have a relationship like we should. She responded saying we could if I would follow the rules she set down on paper as to what I could and could not do. I do not follow rules well and do not like walking on thin ice, so we have no relationship at all. My grandson is distanced from me also. I love him very much though, but he is mad at me because we were in a crowd of people one time when he entered and ignored me completely. I waited a bit before saying,"Well Joe, aren't you going to say hello to me?" He barked at me that he was talking to his dad. He thought for a minute and then said,"Do you want a hug?" Of course I said ,"Yes." He later would not enter a room where I was as he said he felt uncomfortable. I have not seen him since. My grandson has cystic fibrosis and his life expectancy is not good so I worry, but will not force him to do what he does not want. My step granddaughter adores me and is very much a part of my life. I can be a grandmother to her, and she loves me all the more for it! I don't know if it is a good or bad trait, but if you are good to me I will give you the world. (well almost) I am sure there is a lot more if I dug deeper, but that's all for now folks!